Monday, August 24, 2009
Fuck You, Chicago
Chicago style deep-dish pizza fucking sucks.
If you're sound of mind and not mentally disabled, then you agree with me. However, there are still the little bastards out there who genuinely think this shit is awesome, and even PREFER it to pizza. Like real pizza, ya dig? For future purposes, pizza is pizza, and deep dish "pizza" is shit.
This shit ain't real pizza, it's an IMPOSTOR. A gargantuan abortion of pizza-making ingredients shoved into a pan. Why do I need three pounds of cheese, a quart of pizza sauce, ten tons of toppings, and enough dough to make you irregular for days swimming in an above ground pool? I don't. Dough, sauce, cheese, bake, eat. Way to complicate a simple, classic dish. Fuck you, Chicago.
It's also served up in a such a manner you can't just grab and start enjoying like Allah intended. Oh no, you have to actually serve this shit and take it out of a pan with a god damn cake server or spatula. What the hell is that? Come on Chicago, I don't need some fancy way of getting pizza into my mouth and bust my ass wasting precious seconds to eat your gross shit.
I wouldn't have such a problem with this shit if they just didn't label it as pizza. You don't call a calzone "Dough-Encased Pizza", you call it a fucking CALZONE. Know why? Because it's different and not real pizza. The people who invented calzones weren't assholes, they realized their shit couldn't stack up to the pizza name, even if it might be kinda the same thing. But it's not because calzones suck too.
So I told Bennett he has to eat at a deep-dish shit place while in Chicago and tell me exactly what he thinks. I found a place close the the O'Hare Airport that is supposed to have some of the best in the city. It's called Lou Malnati's Pizza and I'm pretty sure Lou was/is an asshole too. So sooner than later I will share what he thinks about it, and will also decide if I have one less friend or not. Here's my favorite picture of Bennett.