Monday, August 24, 2009

Fuck You, Chicago

My good friend Bennett is leaving for Europe today but unfortunately has a 6 hour layover in Chicago. And then I thought about Chicago and how much I hate it. Mostly because every Chicago based sports franchise is trash but also for this reason:

Chicago style deep-dish pizza fucking sucks.

If you're sound of mind and not mentally disabled, then you agree with me. However, there are still the little bastards out there who genuinely think this shit is awesome, and even PREFER it to pizza. Like real pizza, ya dig? For future purposes, pizza is pizza, and deep dish "pizza" is shit.

This shit ain't real pizza, it's an IMPOSTOR. A gargantuan abortion of pizza-making ingredients shoved into a pan. Why do I need three pounds of cheese, a quart of pizza sauce, ten tons of toppings, and enough dough to make you irregular for days swimming in an above ground pool? I don't. Dough, sauce, cheese, bake, eat. Way to complicate a simple, classic dish. Fuck you, Chicago.

It's also served up in a such a manner you can't just grab and start enjoying like Allah intended. Oh no, you have to actually serve this shit and take it out of a pan with a god damn cake server or spatula. What the hell is that? Come on Chicago, I don't need some fancy way of getting pizza into my mouth and bust my ass wasting precious seconds to eat your gross shit.

I wouldn't have such a problem with this shit if they just didn't label it as pizza. You don't call a calzone "Dough-Encased Pizza", you call it a fucking CALZONE. Know why? Because it's different and not real pizza. The people who invented calzones weren't assholes, they realized their shit couldn't stack up to the pizza name, even if it might be kinda the same thing. But it's not because calzones suck too.

So I told Bennett he has to eat at a deep-dish shit place while in Chicago and tell me exactly what he thinks. I found a place close the the O'Hare Airport that is supposed to have some of the best in the city. It's called Lou Malnati's Pizza and I'm pretty sure Lou was/is an asshole too. So sooner than later I will share what he thinks about it, and will also decide if I have one less friend or not. Here's my favorite picture of Bennett.


  1. hey joel,

    i work in a chicago style pizza resteraunt and i agree completely. i hate that shit. there's such an excess of cheese and dough that after you eat it you feel like youre going to go into cardiac arrest. the slop just sits in your stomach to rot for days on end. i like a clean new york style slice that can be folded in half and costs about 2.50. chiago style pizzas can run up to like 40 bucks, its fucking ridiculous. the chicago pizza proponents are like jews for jesus, they are all mixed up about the divine truth.

  2. leave it to middle america to take a simple concept and stick a coathanger up its perfect vagina.

  3. Pizza is not worth eating unless you can fold it in half...

  4. that's cause it aint real pizza. THIN CRUST FOR LIFE