Saturday, September 26, 2009

Pizza & Dodgers: The Greatest Combination Since Dick & Vagina.

So I got this friend right that lives next to this pizza place yea and like tells me how I should go there right cause it's got like Dodgers shit everywhere okay and it's called "New York slice or something." Cool?

But really that looks amazing, and yea I NEED to go there. Need it like air and water homie. Is there any better combination than pizza and Dodgers? No. No there is not. I've spent the better part of my adult life pondering this question and I went to college so you can trust me.

Oh and if you think there's a better combination, fuck you and go to hell.

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Pizza Scarf

This might be the coolest application of knitting EVER. Bitch knows what's good.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Pizza Withdrawls

I haven't had pizza in almost 2 days and I think I'm losing it. This isn't okay, I feel this giant void in my life that can only be filled by the almighty za. And on top of this all I haven't been to a new pizza place in like a week and a half. Am I slipping? What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm questioning my beliefs now, my whole way of living is in jeopardy if i don't do something about it and fast. Is this what it's like for lonely guys who haven't had the gentle carress of a lady in years only to go out and buy a discount hooker? Yes, yes it is. My pain is sad.


Monday, September 14, 2009

Cold Pizza: An American Hero

I know some people (assholes) won't be with me on this, but cold pizza is the fucking shit. This is my tribute to the unsung hero of the pizza world, cold pizza.

Oh cold pizza how I love you so. You have been with me through thick and thin, in drunkenness, stonededness, severe hunger, and absolute love. I know you are cold and not hot as pizza should traditionally be, and some flavor is gone but god damn you taste delicious. Cold pizza is it's own entity, it has no droop at all and is firm, but makes my dick hard just the same.

There have been countless times when I have woke up in the morning and thought about lame breakfast foods that bore the ever loving hell out of me and how pissed off cereal, eggs, and pancakes make me feel. I don't have to eat you. Breakfast forces us to not eat delicious things like pizza, veal, double bacon cheeseburgers, beer battered onion rings, and osso bucco at seven in the morning. SO when I open my fridge after a long night of the z's and see a beautiful box with a few remaining slices of pizza left over in it I thank the lord for cold pizza and tear into that shit like it's Halle Berry's vagina, cause I've done that before.

The same goes for a night out on the town going to disco techs and all the hip cool spots, coming home stoned (fuck you I ain't no saint) and in all my retarded glory stumbling through the kitchen, grabbing some pizza, and shoving it down my throat. I don't have time to heat that shit up especially when I have no concept of "time", and it satisfies me in only a way cold pizza could.

Fuck, sometimes I will purposefully leave pizza in the fridge just so it gets cold that's how much I love it. Try it sometime and you'll see. You will have yourself thinking how that really attractive GuateJew with beautiful hair and a tight, supple ass was right about just how delicious cold pizza is.

However, there are some cases when cold pizza is never acceptable

1. It's from Numero Uno

2. It's from Pizza Hut

3. It's Deep Dish or you live in Chicago, because people from Chicago wouldn't know good taste if it jumped in their mouths and shat tiny New York style pizzas all over their tongues

I love you cold pizza, and I know you love me too.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dear Pizza,

I love you. Really. You're my best friend and way hotter than any real woman. Suck it, society.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Pizza Burrito Could Be Used to Induce Vomiting

Sweet lord this picture is nauseating. Seriously? Pizza burrito? How dare you try to steal the soul of pizza and wrap it in a tortilla you fucking BITCH. If I ever find this "Tina" I'm going to stab her in the vagina and douse her with hot sauce while eating a real pizza. It's not that I don't like burritos, but this one looks like spicy diarrhea with a flour tortilla encasing. This almost makes me not want to eat pizza today...almost.

Saturday, September 5, 2009


Today, September fifth, is the greatest day in American - nay - the WORLDS history. It's motherfucking National Cheese Pizza Day! Fuck Independence Day, Memorial Day, Mother's Day, Arbor Day, Boxing Day, and all the others days that blow donkey wang compared to today. I know what I will be doing today - stuffing as many slices down my throat as humanly possible and then when I vomit it all up I order another pizza.


Friday, September 4, 2009

Thank the Lord for Mulberry St Pizza

Went to Mulberry St Pizza with my good friend Jayu cause I needed to remember my pizza loving roots. I fucking love MSP, it's always good whenever I go in. It's like that girl you've known forever and when you need a good night of familiar sex you can call her up and she's good to go. Ahhhhh consistency.

This place is perfect - Dodgers lore and pictures of celebrities that have come in for a slice throughout the years decorate the walls, with sweet old school red and white checkered tablecloths. Cozy,'s the best. They also have CHILI OIL on every table cause they know what the fuck is up.

The pizza is awesome. Giant slices, delicious sauce and cheese, and the most perfect droop you want to break down in tears at how beautiful it actually is. It's comparable to meeting God, and I have, so I know exactly what its like - Holy. This is a religious experience for me like on the reals. Just look at how happy Jayu is:
You're damn fuckin' right

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Pizza De Gallo

Someone saw this picture and told me it was "too much cilantro" and I told them it wasn't fucking enough. I don't think anything has ever been sullied by having "too much cilantro" on or in it. That's like saying "There's this really hot girl who has the most perfect body, but it's just too much sex for me to handle." Really? What are you gay? Whatever, I'm just a dude who loves pizza.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Pizza Connoisseur on Radio Hotbodies Part Quattro

Was on Radio Hotbodies again this week (with Jamie Thompson of ISLANDS/The Small is Beautiful) to verbally go down on pizza for another glorious thirty seconds. This week: Pizza v. Sex - Why Pizza is Better. Seriously I can make women fall to their knees and weep with my pizza-laden vocabulary and brooding sexual prowess.

Also check out that dog Jamie is holding, I could totally make a pizza out of it.

Download Radio Hotbodies
(the panty dropping starts at the 32:49 mark)

Fuck You, Chicago Pt. II

Although I made an appeal for reform and common decency, there are still some bitches that love Chicago style deep-dish pizza like pedophiles love ten year old boys. Disgusting, right? Well this bitch right here (who is a dear friend of mine, but I'm strongly considering otherwise) is one of them and I wouldn't be surprised if her hard drive was full of the no-no shit too, cause she REALLY likes eating pizza on steroids. Look at that abomination on their plates, really, it looks like someone threw up all over five pounds of dough. They even look happy eating this shit so you know something is severely wrong with both of them - some kind of mental disease, delusions, or maybe these are the kind of people that think SPAM is an acceptable substitute for lunch meats.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Memorable Pizza Quotes: Jesilin Hoffmann

"The day you stop eating pizza, all humanity will come to an end."
-Jesilin Hoffmann
(in reference to the retarded amount of pizza I consume)

Couldn't have said it better myself, cause mine would have been less eloquent: "The day I stop eating pizza, bitches will DIE."