THE GREATEST SONG OF ALL TIME EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHINGS. EVER.

Are you fucking kidding me? How has this not won MULTIPLE Grammys? This shit should even sweep the motherfucking Country Music Awards. So what if it's not country? Trance/house/disco music about pizza should be the only thing people ever listen to, nay, the only thing people should be ALLOWED to listen to. Not only is the music flawless in its composition and structure, but the lyrics are some shit that would make Robert Frost shed a tear:

"We like pizza in the morning
We like pizza everyday
We like pizza in the evening
We like pizza any way!"

Gold. Fucking Gold.

Can it get any better? You bet your sweet ass it can, because apparently this is a radio version which means the original of the song must be raunchy as all hell.

"We like motherfucking pizza in the motherfucking morning, we like pizza every motherfucking day."

Oh kids these days, with their songs about pizza, dance dance revolution, and sodomy. My how things have changed since 96'.

HALLE BERRY IS SINGLE.

Last night I went to bed after eating half a delicious cold pizza and I wake up to this:

HALLE BERRY IS SINGLE.

I'm sure my girlfriend wouldn't mind a third person moving in, cause mulatta movie stars love guys who have their own pizza blog and suffer from extreme night terrors in which they DO NOT wet the bed and you need to always have new fucking sheets handy.

PIZZA WEEKEND

ALL I ATE OVER THE WEEKEND WAS PIZZA. Duh. Like there's ANY other type of food worth eating on the planet. Maybe babies. And fuck you if you say sushi. I know sushi is GOOD, but pizza is better...way better, Like getting to bang Halle Berry instead of Stacy Dash.

I AM A RUSSIAN SPY.

seriously.

I'M BACK MOTHERFUCKER (On the Reals)

Yea yea yea....it's been months. I know it's hard to go through your daily life without my erotic verbal pizza styling but shit's been hectic, and if you don't like it you can do one of two things:

1) Go fuck yourself.

2) Start your own god damn pizza blog (which I know you wont do cause you suck).

But in all seriousness I've been away for a little while, jet-setting off to the holy mecca of pizza, New York, and then to Israel for a couple weeks. AND YES I ate a shit ton of pizza, took pictures, and will be posting it in its entirety on the blog....just after I get over the jet lag and hooker-induced rashes I acquired in Israel. Words of advice: Never stay in a "hotel" that rents by the hour to prostitutes.

So just hold tight, grab your loved one, order some pizza, and fuck on the empty box. Then you can check the blog again.

Till then bitches.

Lack of Posting

The lack of posting does NOT mean I haven't been eating pizza on the regular, quite the contrary, just busy and what not (boning Halle Berry).

BUT I'M BACK. I'm ready to dish out hot pizza wisdom for your brain ovens. So chill the fuck out, grab a slice, and start masturbating. I mean eating.

Nevermind, just start masturbating.

Costco Pizza is Some Damn Fine Nostalgia

I'm going to preface this post with this: Costco pizza is NOT that good. It's pretty shitty actually - the cheese is really salty and chewy, the dough is not up to par, and it usually sits out under heat lamps forever before they serve it to you by the slice. But you know what? Who gives a fuck.

The joy that I take in eating Costco pizza is that it reminds me of my childhood. Going to Costco with my parents and buying pants, batteries, cake, bagel dogs, books, cd's, toilet paper, etc, eating free samples of microwaveable deliciousness, and finishing it off with a trip to the food court for some pizza. That's America right there motherfucker.

EVERYTHING'S BIGGER AND BETTER IN COSTCO

Bitch.

Pizza Spinning = The Manliest Sport Ever

Watch this video and tell me you DON'T want to drop your pants and let this guy go to town on you, male or female. And no, it's not gay to let a dude on the US PIZZA TEAM sauce your dough and twirl you around like a baton.

Pizza spinning is pretty fucking intense, and some people dedicate their lives to this warlock-type art form. What other food can you twirl around, chuck up in the air, and otherwise perform Cirque De Soleil-esque acrobatics with for national pride? I don't see a Nathan's hot dog juggling contest or a burger flipping expo going down anywhere. Time to step up your game, assholes.

What I would really like to see is the proponents of pizza spinning lobby the Olympic committee to include this SPORT in not only the summer, but winter Olympics as well. And to make things more interesting, the winning countries representative gets to have sex with Halle Berry. I've always said the best way to measure a nation's honor is by spinning pizza dough around to techno house.

Pizza & Dodgers: The Greatest Combination Since Dick & Vagina Pt 2

I am currently watching game two of the NLCS (Phillies vs Dodgers) and there's so much pizza around me I'm sincerely moved. My eyes are tearing up and my nipples are getting hard. That's normal, right?

Pizza Connoisseur on Radio Hotbodies Part Five

I made an impromptu appearance on Radio Hotbodies this week and lyrically was NOT in the zone. Didn't have my A game, mostly because I missed the pro wrestlers interview segments and was pretty bummed. I looked up to the dude with the fangs (GANGREL MOTHERFUCKER) so much when I was a kid. Alright I was in highschool, whatever, but I wanted to be a vampire like crazy. Not like one of those gay sparkle no-sex-having queers from that Twilight bullshit though. Fucking Mormons.

Click here to download Radio Hotbodies
(with 100% more blood drinking)

And for good measure here's Gangrel's enterance from the WWE. So much blood.

Ameci's Pizza Lunch Special

Throwing a baseball around for twenty minutes can really make a man, or men, hungry. Ameci's Pizza- Two slices of cheese and a drink for mere dollars. Thanks for buying me lunch Krieger, you glorious motherfucker.

Dedicated to the Late Uncle Disco

Last night while out and about in Downtown L.A. for art walk, my dear friend David Romo (above) came up to me with a cold piece of pizza and stuck it in my mouth. It was good but I was hoping the entire piece was for me, and not just some cock-tease bite. Fucking asshole.

Hope you enjoyed your post, Uncle D.

Your Life Sucks

Some people have it real bad, sitting behind a desk mindlessly typing up some retarded ass spreadsheet, doing hard physical labor out in the unforgiving elements, or riding that pole to make a buck (you know who you are). Me, I get to cook delicious food for (white) people. My office is la cocina, a land full of mystery and Mexicans.

So it fills me with pure joy to be able to have the luxury of being a chef in an Italian restaurant, cause you know that bitch has a pizza oven, and you know I take advantage of that shit on the regular. I made such a delicious buffalo mozzarella/basil pizza, pictured above, which was so good I'm pretty positive I'm immune to all diseases/ailments/bacterias.

So when you're at work thinking about how much you want to murder that loud mouth-breather in the cubicle next to you, or how Peachez stole your favorite glitter makeup, just remember my life is more fulfilling than yours, cause you suck.

Lombardi's: America's FIRST Pizza Place

So my buddy Darren just came back from New York (that place that smells like rat feces) and gave me an in depth review about Lombardi's, which is arguably the first pizza joint in these United States. And for all the illiterates out there, he gave me pictures too, so enjoy. Although I have no idea how an illiterate would have been able to type in this URL or whatever. Shut up.

"After a facebook posting asking what I should do on my trip to New York, Joel suggested/demanded that I visit Lombardi’s in little Italy the first pizzeria in America. After reading mixed reviews I wasn’t so sure but Joel told me that going to Lombardi’s was basically the 11th commandment and I would melt in a coal oven hell for eternity If I didn’t go(don’t quote me). So I took heed and made it a point to get there.

The place is SMALL, which is probably why I read that there can be a 2 hour wait for a table. I got there early and avoided the hoards of pizza-thirsty tourists. Upon ordering I wasn’t able to decide whether I wanted the regular cheese or the white so I got a half and half, best of both worlds especially when it comes to hookers.The pizza came out beautiful and steaming, I think I was so excited I peed a little. The first thing I noticed was the severe lack of cheese on my “cheese pizza”. I didn’t let that bias me. I took the first bite and it hit me like a little flavor terrorist blew up in my mouth. It was the freshest slice I ever had…the sauce, the dough, the basil, the cheese you could taste them all individually. I wish there was more cheese but I would probably end up in the East River if I criticized them. The white side wasn’t as inspiring and actually had too much cheese. It had all the cheeses of the regular pizza plus ricotta and garlic olive oil with no sauce. Then the genius that I am…I flipped one slice on top of the other and achieved HARMONY!

Overall a great experience, but if I ever move to NY I hope P-Rex can deliver via Air Mail."

Well said Darren, but fuck you for not Fed-Exing me a slice of that pie. You're so inconsiderate no woman will ever love you.

Keep fuckin' that chicken, brah.

You Can Have Sex With a Pizza Bagel if You're a Dude

Pizza + Bagels = Win. God bless the 24 hour Western Bagel.

Pizza & Dodgers: The Greatest Combination Since Dick & Vagina.

So I got this friend right that lives next to this pizza place yea and like tells me how I should go there right cause it's got like Dodgers shit everywhere okay and it's called "New York slice or something." Cool?

But really that looks amazing, and yea I NEED to go there. Need it like air and water homie. Is there any better combination than pizza and Dodgers? No. No there is not. I've spent the better part of my adult life pondering this question and I went to college so you can trust me.

Oh and if you think there's a better combination, fuck you and go to hell.

The Pizza Scarf

This might be the coolest application of knitting EVER. Bitch knows what's good.

Pizza Withdrawls

I haven't had pizza in almost 2 days and I think I'm losing it. This isn't okay, I feel this giant void in my life that can only be filled by the almighty za. And on top of this all I haven't been to a new pizza place in like a week and a half. Am I slipping? What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm questioning my beliefs now, my whole way of living is in jeopardy if i don't do something about it and fast. Is this what it's like for lonely guys who haven't had the gentle carress of a lady in years only to go out and buy a discount hooker? Yes, yes it is. My pain is sad.

PIZZA! PIZZA I NEED YOU!

Cold Pizza: An American Hero

I know some people (assholes) won't be with me on this, but cold pizza is the fucking shit. This is my tribute to the unsung hero of the pizza world, cold pizza.

Oh cold pizza how I love you so. You have been with me through thick and thin, in drunkenness, stonededness, severe hunger, and absolute love. I know you are cold and not hot as pizza should traditionally be, and some flavor is gone but god damn you taste delicious. Cold pizza is it's own entity, it has no droop at all and is firm, but makes my dick hard just the same.

There have been countless times when I have woke up in the morning and thought about lame breakfast foods that bore the ever loving hell out of me and how pissed off cereal, eggs, and pancakes make me feel. I don't have to eat you. Breakfast forces us to not eat delicious things like pizza, veal, double bacon cheeseburgers, beer battered onion rings, and osso bucco at seven in the morning. SO when I open my fridge after a long night of the z's and see a beautiful box with a few remaining slices of pizza left over in it I thank the lord for cold pizza and tear into that shit like it's Halle Berry's vagina, cause I've done that before.

The same goes for a night out on the town going to disco techs and all the hip cool spots, coming home stoned (fuck you I ain't no saint) and in all my retarded glory stumbling through the kitchen, grabbing some pizza, and shoving it down my throat. I don't have time to heat that shit up especially when I have no concept of "time", and it satisfies me in only a way cold pizza could.

Fuck, sometimes I will purposefully leave pizza in the fridge just so it gets cold that's how much I love it. Try it sometime and you'll see. You will have yourself thinking how that really attractive GuateJew with beautiful hair and a tight, supple ass was right about just how delicious cold pizza is.

However, there are some cases when cold pizza is never acceptable

1. It's from Numero Uno

2. It's from Pizza Hut

3. It's Deep Dish or you live in Chicago, because people from Chicago wouldn't know good taste if it jumped in their mouths and shat tiny New York style pizzas all over their tongues

I love you cold pizza, and I know you love me too.

Dear Pizza,

I love you. Really. You're my best friend and way hotter than any real woman. Suck it, society.